Dear Both Ends: I live at home and go to college. I am going for a BA in Art. Ever since
I was a little girl, I’ve wanted a tattoo, but didn’t really have any kind of specific tattoo
in mind; I just knew that I wanted something related to art. Now I found exactly what
I want—a piece by Picasso. It brings up all types of feelings in me, and actually makes
me feel like Picasso painted it with me in mind. The problem is that my father is giving
me grief over getting it. I’ll pay for it with my own money, but he says as long as he is
paying for college and I live under his roof, he absolutely forbids it. How could I
persuade him to see things my way?
Jennifer, age 20, never married, no children, full-time student and part-time copy-center employee.
Dr. Gomes: You need to find out his perceptions about tattoos. Ask your father what it
specifically means to him having a daughter with a tattoo. Look for an underlying fear, shame or
guilt with his meaning. He is telling you he will withdraw his financial support if you get a tattoo.
This is obviously important to him and reveals more about him than about you. Once you know his
core concern, you can then either honor his injunction or deal with the relational consequences if
you decide to get that tattoo. Your decision to do something should be based on thinking/feeling
integration. Your explanation of why you want this particular tattoo seems clear. You and your
father will have to learn new boundaries about your adult relationship. He will always be your
father and you will always be his daughter. But that does not mean he has the right to dictate
what you can and cannot do. This also does not mean you should not listen to him.
Suggestion: Together with your dad, read “Chicken Soup for the Father & Daughter Soul:
Stories to Celebrate the Love Between Dads & Daughters Throughout the Years” By Jack Canfield,
Mark Victor Hansen, Patty Aubrey, Nancy Mitchell Autio, and LeAnn Thieman.
Larry Star: Hey, Jen, chances are you will never get him to see things your way. Different
generation, you know? To me, tattoos are extremely personal things. You get them for various
reasons, but when you look at them after some time has passed, you almost have to reminisce
about the point in time you got it, the circumstances surrounding it, and the reasons why you got
it—it is a roadmap to your life. No one can take that away from you. Since you are looking
forward to a life in the Art field, it’s no surprise to me that you would want a tattoo. Be careful,
though, they are addictive. Just like mice, where there is one, there is more. And what you
picked out sounds really, really cool. Getting back to your old man; I am siding with him on this—
his roof, his money, his ball. When you leave his field, the game is then yours. And, I am so glad
to see you won’t do anything behind his back, either. He should be proud of you. But, I can’t
help but think how he would feel if you came home with a tattoo saying, “I love my Daddy.”
(Boy, do I just love to stir the pot.)
Suggestion: Listen to Sarah Hudson’s “Naked Truth.”
Both Ends: We both agree that Jennifer’s reasoning for a Picasso tattoo is, well, cool. Larry feels
that she should honor her father’s wishes until the time she moves out on her own. Dr. Gomes
believes Jennifer could develop greater intimacy by exploring core beliefs. This will help her remain
emotionally connected despite disagreements. Disconnecting emotionally, whether in conflict or
not, will end relationships.
