Surrogate Parent
Dear Both Ends: My wife and I want children very badly. We are both set financially
with a good income and large home. My wife is healthy but I, unfortunately, am sterile
and therefore cannot have children of my own. I want to adopt, but my wife deeply
wants to experience the actual pregnancy, labor and childbirth. She has suggested
getting an anonymous sperm donor, but I am very uncomfortable with this. It would
be her child with another man, not our child together. I feel we are at an impasse.
What can I do?
Eric, age 32, married 2 years, no children, attorney
Dr. Gomes: I am assuming that you have both been medically checked out by an American
Society for Reproductive Medicine Board Certified specialist (http://www.asrm.org/). It is
important to explore the meaning you would be making if your wife accepted a donor sperm.
There are both psychological and biological reasons behind your concern for progeny. What does
it mean to you if you adopt or if your wife had children from a previous relationship? What would
be the worst thing that could happen for you if your wife got pregnant by a donor? How you
answer these questions will help you understand what your fear is based on. This is an emotional
issue (right brain) more than a logical issue (left brain). I am confident that if you saw a young
child in need of good parent s and a good home that you would know what you needed to do.
Suggestion: Contact American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors & Therapists
(AASECT) for a referral to a fertility counselor. AASECT PO Box 1960, Ashland, VA 23005-1960,
Tel 804.752.0026. In addition, your physician (Urologist) may have a referral to a counselor with
whom he or she has previously worked with on cases.
Larry Star: Yo, Eric, you need to get your head out of your butt. You would only be hurting
yourself if you didn’t give your wife the experience most women want. Would you feel better if
the sperm donor is someone you know? We are talking about a baby, a life. Is there a more
precious gift? Stop being so damned selfish. If you love your wife, rethink your stand.
Suggestion: Listen to The Monkees’, “Saturday’s Child.”
Both Ends: We both agree that Eric needs to try to put his emotions aside and see his way clear
to giving his wife the baby they both want.
Dear Both Ends: My wife and I want children very badly. We are both set financially
with a good income and large home. My wife is healthy but I, unfortunately, am sterile
and therefore cannot have children of my own. I want to adopt, but my wife deeply
wants to experience the actual pregnancy, labor and childbirth. She has suggested
getting an anonymous sperm donor, but I am very uncomfortable with this. It would
be her child with another man, not our child together. I feel we are at an impasse.
What can I do?
Eric, age 32, married 2 years, no children, attorney
Dr. Gomes: I am assuming that you have both been medically checked out by an American
Society for Reproductive Medicine Board Certified specialist (http://www.asrm.org/). It is
important to explore the meaning you would be making if your wife accepted a donor sperm.
There are both psychological and biological reasons behind your concern for progeny. What does
it mean to you if you adopt or if your wife had children from a previous relationship? What would
be the worst thing that could happen for you if your wife got pregnant by a donor? How you
answer these questions will help you understand what your fear is based on. This is an emotional
issue (right brain) more than a logical issue (left brain). I am confident that if you saw a young
child in need of good parent s and a good home that you would know what you needed to do.
Suggestion: Contact American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors & Therapists
(AASECT) for a referral to a fertility counselor. AASECT PO Box 1960, Ashland, VA 23005-1960,
Tel 804.752.0026. In addition, your physician (Urologist) may have a referral to a counselor with
whom he or she has previously worked with on cases.
Larry Star: Yo, Eric, you need to get your head out of your butt. You would only be hurting
yourself if you didn’t give your wife the experience most women want. Would you feel better if
the sperm donor is someone you know? We are talking about a baby, a life. Is there a more
precious gift? Stop being so damned selfish. If you love your wife, rethink your stand.
Suggestion: Listen to The Monkees’, “Saturday’s Child.”
Both Ends: We both agree that Eric needs to try to put his emotions aside and see his way clear
to giving his wife the baby they both want.
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