Single Parent
Dear Both Ends: I am a single parent. I have two children; a 15-year-old boy and a 12-
year-old daughter. I am worried that I am losing my 15-year-old son. We don’t seem
to be close anymore. He’s a good kid but he seems to be slipping in schools. He doesn’
t have many friends, his grades are dropping, I have to yell at him to get his chores
done, and he seems to be isolating himself in his room. When I ask him what is
bothering him he says he is fine and just doesn’t feel like doing anything. What going
on with him? How can I get him to talk to me?
Shauna: age 34, divorced, 2 children, Executive Assistant.
Dr. Gomes: He may be depressed. These are warning signs of depression. He may have a need,
which is not being realized and, furthermore, he may be feeling that he is unable to be successful
in getting his needs met. Depression can be impacted by the situation and/or hormones. Watch
closely to how he responds to needs of belongingness (invitations for relationships), fun, freedom,
and self-competence. Also know that what you are describing is somewhat normal for teens. You
are worried and you will need to listen to your fears. And, what would be the worst thing that will
happen if he isn’t as close to you as he was in the past? If you want him to talk to you, sit him
down in front of you and say nothing. The silence will become uncomfortable and he will have to
say something to relieve the intimacy tension. Don’t say anything until he says something of value
that is worthy of your response.
Suggestion: Seek assistance for the whole family with a family therapist. Don’t just make it an
issue of “pathologizing” your son as mentally depressed. Single parenthood is difficult for all
members of the family. Work on the family as a family.
Larry Star: Well, he is at that age where his hormones are raging, and he is entering adulthood.
Some kids his age suffer from depression. I know I was a brooding loner with a chip on my
shoulder at his age. Looking back on that time, I felt like it might have been expected of me—
peer pressure and all that. This may seem strange, but find out what kind of music he listens to.
My guess it’s goth. You can often find out a lot about a person’s psyche by knowing what type of
music is in their iPod. If he listens to country he may very well be depressed. If he listens to
classical, he will probably be the head of the chess club. If he listens to rap, he may want to pimp
out your ride. If he listens to Liza Minnelli, I think you may have lost him. If he listens to polka,
have him call me cuz I’m trying to get rid of an accordion. I also hate to say that, at this juncture
of his life, drugs and alcohol are likely to be introduced to him. There are ways of getting him to
open up to you, short of smoking a bowl with him, but you need to step up and really find out
what is going on in his life. Counseling will definitely help you, if not both of you.
Suggestion: Listen to Blindside’s, “My Mother’s Only Son.”
Both Ends: We both agree, potentially, that withdrawing and sloth is somewhat normal behavior
for an adolescent male. Nonetheless, it is important for a parent to enter the child’s world to
better understand the child. We both agree that it is best that the parent build the bridge of
communication instead of forcing the situation.
Dear Both Ends: I am a single parent. I have two children; a 15-year-old boy and a 12-
year-old daughter. I am worried that I am losing my 15-year-old son. We don’t seem
to be close anymore. He’s a good kid but he seems to be slipping in schools. He doesn’
t have many friends, his grades are dropping, I have to yell at him to get his chores
done, and he seems to be isolating himself in his room. When I ask him what is
bothering him he says he is fine and just doesn’t feel like doing anything. What going
on with him? How can I get him to talk to me?
Shauna: age 34, divorced, 2 children, Executive Assistant.
Dr. Gomes: He may be depressed. These are warning signs of depression. He may have a need,
which is not being realized and, furthermore, he may be feeling that he is unable to be successful
in getting his needs met. Depression can be impacted by the situation and/or hormones. Watch
closely to how he responds to needs of belongingness (invitations for relationships), fun, freedom,
and self-competence. Also know that what you are describing is somewhat normal for teens. You
are worried and you will need to listen to your fears. And, what would be the worst thing that will
happen if he isn’t as close to you as he was in the past? If you want him to talk to you, sit him
down in front of you and say nothing. The silence will become uncomfortable and he will have to
say something to relieve the intimacy tension. Don’t say anything until he says something of value
that is worthy of your response.
Suggestion: Seek assistance for the whole family with a family therapist. Don’t just make it an
issue of “pathologizing” your son as mentally depressed. Single parenthood is difficult for all
members of the family. Work on the family as a family.
Larry Star: Well, he is at that age where his hormones are raging, and he is entering adulthood.
Some kids his age suffer from depression. I know I was a brooding loner with a chip on my
shoulder at his age. Looking back on that time, I felt like it might have been expected of me—
peer pressure and all that. This may seem strange, but find out what kind of music he listens to.
My guess it’s goth. You can often find out a lot about a person’s psyche by knowing what type of
music is in their iPod. If he listens to country he may very well be depressed. If he listens to
classical, he will probably be the head of the chess club. If he listens to rap, he may want to pimp
out your ride. If he listens to Liza Minnelli, I think you may have lost him. If he listens to polka,
have him call me cuz I’m trying to get rid of an accordion. I also hate to say that, at this juncture
of his life, drugs and alcohol are likely to be introduced to him. There are ways of getting him to
open up to you, short of smoking a bowl with him, but you need to step up and really find out
what is going on in his life. Counseling will definitely help you, if not both of you.
Suggestion: Listen to Blindside’s, “My Mother’s Only Son.”
Both Ends: We both agree, potentially, that withdrawing and sloth is somewhat normal behavior
for an adolescent male. Nonetheless, it is important for a parent to enter the child’s world to
better understand the child. We both agree that it is best that the parent build the bridge of
communication instead of forcing the situation.
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