Should I Tell?
Dear Both Ends: Years ago I was involved in a homosexual relationship that lasted
about 5 months. It was all sexual and there wasn’t anything emotional about it at all.
I suppose it was just my experimental phase in life. I haven’t done anything like that
and have been in healthy heterosexual relationships since. I am with a woman now
that I love dearly and we are getting married in a month. My problem is that she is very
conservative and a little closed-minded sexually. Should I tell her about my past or let
sleeping dogs lie?
Jack, age 27, never married, no children, works as a hotel clerk.
Dr. Gomes: If there was not an emotional component before then there sure seems to be one
currently. The answer to this question lies mainly with your value system. Obviously, the idea is
that you would not have any secrets between you two. And there is a difference between
secrecy and privacy where the main issue seems to be a component of shame. I know that you
can love you partner even with different value systems but it does make it more difficult when
differences come up. Are you prepared to always hold your differences that may create conflict in
the future? I do recommend that you see a premarital counselor and bring this issue up. The
issue is larger than this particular past experience of yours. It is about how accepting you are of
each other, which includes your past. The realm of sexuality is a lot more complicated that many
believe or want to know. Either way, be congruent with your love for your fiancé, be honest with
each other.
Suggestion: Either forever hold your differences to yourself or seek greater intimacy through
really knowing each other. If you would like assistance with this conversation then make an
appointment with a therapist.
Larry Star: I think you should tell her. If she loves you for whom you are now, it shouldn’t make
one bit of difference what you did in a past life. You said yourself it was experimental and you
aren’t into it now, so it should be water under the bridge. But there are other underlying issues
here—the main one being she isn’t nearly as open about sex as you are. Why would you want to
spend the rest of your life with a woman that you would keep things from? On the other hand, if
you don’t tell her, what will happen if she ever finds out on her own? You know these things
happen sometimes. I fear you are marrying the wrong one for you.
Suggestion: Listen to Billy Joel’s, “Tell Her About It.”
Both Ends: We agree that it is Jack who must weigh the options and ramifications. Dr. Gomes
feels he should let sleeping dogs lie, while Larry thinks Jack should tell her before the wedding so
he would know if he would be in the doghouse or not.
Dear Both Ends: Years ago I was involved in a homosexual relationship that lasted
about 5 months. It was all sexual and there wasn’t anything emotional about it at all.
I suppose it was just my experimental phase in life. I haven’t done anything like that
and have been in healthy heterosexual relationships since. I am with a woman now
that I love dearly and we are getting married in a month. My problem is that she is very
conservative and a little closed-minded sexually. Should I tell her about my past or let
sleeping dogs lie?
Jack, age 27, never married, no children, works as a hotel clerk.
Dr. Gomes: If there was not an emotional component before then there sure seems to be one
currently. The answer to this question lies mainly with your value system. Obviously, the idea is
that you would not have any secrets between you two. And there is a difference between
secrecy and privacy where the main issue seems to be a component of shame. I know that you
can love you partner even with different value systems but it does make it more difficult when
differences come up. Are you prepared to always hold your differences that may create conflict in
the future? I do recommend that you see a premarital counselor and bring this issue up. The
issue is larger than this particular past experience of yours. It is about how accepting you are of
each other, which includes your past. The realm of sexuality is a lot more complicated that many
believe or want to know. Either way, be congruent with your love for your fiancé, be honest with
each other.
Suggestion: Either forever hold your differences to yourself or seek greater intimacy through
really knowing each other. If you would like assistance with this conversation then make an
appointment with a therapist.
Larry Star: I think you should tell her. If she loves you for whom you are now, it shouldn’t make
one bit of difference what you did in a past life. You said yourself it was experimental and you
aren’t into it now, so it should be water under the bridge. But there are other underlying issues
here—the main one being she isn’t nearly as open about sex as you are. Why would you want to
spend the rest of your life with a woman that you would keep things from? On the other hand, if
you don’t tell her, what will happen if she ever finds out on her own? You know these things
happen sometimes. I fear you are marrying the wrong one for you.
Suggestion: Listen to Billy Joel’s, “Tell Her About It.”
Both Ends: We agree that it is Jack who must weigh the options and ramifications. Dr. Gomes
feels he should let sleeping dogs lie, while Larry thinks Jack should tell her before the wedding so
he would know if he would be in the doghouse or not.
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