Relocate
Dear Both Ends: I am in a long distance relationship now for about 18 months with the
most wonderful man I have ever met. My son adores him too. We plan to marry, but
my problem lies in the fact that he lives in another country and wants me to move
there. I see him once every few months when he flies here on business, but we talk all
the time on the phone and through email. My son’s father is barely in
his life. I have not discussed this with my ex, but my son is open to the idea of
moving. Should I make this move?
Gail, age 34, divorced 4 years, mother of 7 year-old boy, works part-time at a car dealership.
Dr. Gomes: I'm sure that you feel very comfortable with your boyfriend and that you've had
many wonderful conversations back and forth. The fact that this long distance relationship has
lasted 18 months is a positive sign. However, relationships are typically at its highest point at the
beginning. It's not until post-honeymoon reality sets in that real relationship issues are identified.
We each have to struggle inside about balancing autonomy with our need for togetherness. The
problem is that at the beginning of any relationship everyone is moving towards more
togetherness. After all, we already know what being alone is like. After a while we get our fill of
togetherness and then need some alone time. Unfortunately, it won't be easy to return as
before if it doesn't work out in another country. Also, just because your son's father is not
involved much, that doesn't mean his absence is not impact. Know better who this person is who
will be filling this void. It will be best if you can live independently in this other
country while getting to know your boyfriend more intimately. See about a VISA or even
attending a foreign school so that you will profit from this experience no matter what happens.
You have two people to protect.
Suggestion: See an immigration lawyer. Read the appropriate Fodor's or Rick Steves' travel
guides. Visit www.expatfocus.com online.
Larry Star: First of all you didn’t tell us what country he is from. If he’s from Canada, then great.
If he’s from Iraq, I think you have your head screwed on backwards. You have to ask yourself a
few questions like: How well do I know this guy? What does his family think? Why won’t he
move here to be with me? Is there extradition in his homeland? Will my son be safe? Does he
eat a lot of goat? Here’s a question I have for you: Did you ever see the Sally Field movie, "Not
Without My Daughter"? I suggest you give that a good watching and re-evaluate
your position on this. The second point I have is take a gander at your divorce decree. It may
very well tell you that you cannot take your son out of state without consent from the father. If
it does, it looks like you will either drop the plans to be an ex-patriate or you will be herding goats
without your boy.
Suggestion: Listen to the "Green Acres" TV show theme song.
Both Ends: We both agree that this is risky and could be wonderful or disastrous depending on
level of preparedness. Larry, however, is leaning towards disaster at this point. If we've learned
anything at all about foreign affairs these past two years, it’s definitely having an exit strategy.
Dear Both Ends: I am in a long distance relationship now for about 18 months with the
most wonderful man I have ever met. My son adores him too. We plan to marry, but
my problem lies in the fact that he lives in another country and wants me to move
there. I see him once every few months when he flies here on business, but we talk all
the time on the phone and through email. My son’s father is barely in
his life. I have not discussed this with my ex, but my son is open to the idea of
moving. Should I make this move?
Gail, age 34, divorced 4 years, mother of 7 year-old boy, works part-time at a car dealership.
Dr. Gomes: I'm sure that you feel very comfortable with your boyfriend and that you've had
many wonderful conversations back and forth. The fact that this long distance relationship has
lasted 18 months is a positive sign. However, relationships are typically at its highest point at the
beginning. It's not until post-honeymoon reality sets in that real relationship issues are identified.
We each have to struggle inside about balancing autonomy with our need for togetherness. The
problem is that at the beginning of any relationship everyone is moving towards more
togetherness. After all, we already know what being alone is like. After a while we get our fill of
togetherness and then need some alone time. Unfortunately, it won't be easy to return as
before if it doesn't work out in another country. Also, just because your son's father is not
involved much, that doesn't mean his absence is not impact. Know better who this person is who
will be filling this void. It will be best if you can live independently in this other
country while getting to know your boyfriend more intimately. See about a VISA or even
attending a foreign school so that you will profit from this experience no matter what happens.
You have two people to protect.
Suggestion: See an immigration lawyer. Read the appropriate Fodor's or Rick Steves' travel
guides. Visit www.expatfocus.com online.
Larry Star: First of all you didn’t tell us what country he is from. If he’s from Canada, then great.
If he’s from Iraq, I think you have your head screwed on backwards. You have to ask yourself a
few questions like: How well do I know this guy? What does his family think? Why won’t he
move here to be with me? Is there extradition in his homeland? Will my son be safe? Does he
eat a lot of goat? Here’s a question I have for you: Did you ever see the Sally Field movie, "Not
Without My Daughter"? I suggest you give that a good watching and re-evaluate
your position on this. The second point I have is take a gander at your divorce decree. It may
very well tell you that you cannot take your son out of state without consent from the father. If
it does, it looks like you will either drop the plans to be an ex-patriate or you will be herding goats
without your boy.
Suggestion: Listen to the "Green Acres" TV show theme song.
Both Ends: We both agree that this is risky and could be wonderful or disastrous depending on
level of preparedness. Larry, however, is leaning towards disaster at this point. If we've learned
anything at all about foreign affairs these past two years, it’s definitely having an exit strategy.
