Military Madness
Dear Both Ends: My husband is a military officer and started his second tour of duty in
Iraq four months ago. This is the second time he has been away from me for a long
period of time. The first time he was away I couldn’t handle the loneliness, so I had an
affair. I ended it just before my husband came back. I promised myself that this time
would be different and I would be faithful. But, no sooner than a couple of weeks
after my husband left, the affair resumed. I want to add that I am not all that certain
that my husband was himself faithful. I cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t know
what to do. Please help me.
K., age 26, married five years, no children, teacher, high school special education
Dr Gomes: It’s clear from your writing that you are doing something against your thoughts and
values which is causing emotional turmoil. The key to inner peace is having thinking, feeling, and
doing all aligned. There is a reason (perhaps mostly emotional) for your engaging in an affair
despite knowing it is wrong. Unless you figure out this reason you are likely to repeat this
pattern. First, decide what you want in the long run and base your decisions with goal in mind.
Your litmus test must be “are you living up to the person” you desire to become?” Discussing with
a therapist the unmet need (loneliness) you have will help you deal with military life more
effectively. Military life uniquely impacts families because of eight characteristics which are 1) risk
of injury/death, 2) frequent household moves, 3) frequent and long Separations, 4) long work
hours, 5) living in foreign countries, 6) cultural protocols and constraints, 7) masculine culture
and structure, 8) potential for earlier retirement. These characteristics combine to create difficult
temptations for unmet needs.
Suggestion: Read “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity” by Shirley Glass. Discuss the state of your marriage with your husband when he returns.
Larry Star: You have a nice little arrangement there. Your husband goes off to bomb and you
stay home to bang. Kudos to you, though, for seeing the error of your ways the first time, but
what the hell happened the second time? Stop playing with that weapon of mass destruction
and commit yourself to your marriage. As for your husband’s so-called infidelity, you have no
evidence to support this. I believe this is just projection on your part over the guilt you are
feeling. Since you are the wife of a military officer you know all about honor, commitment, and
integrity. You said, “I don’t know what to do.” That’s bull. You know exactly what to do. You’
re a teacher for Chrissakes. It’s time you started flying right instead of dropping to your knees and
giving twenty.
Suggestion: Listen to Edwin Starr’s “War”.
Both Ends: We both agree that K. is clearly reaching out for help. Dr. Gomes feels K. should see
a therapist to get to the cause of her resuming an affair she knows is morally wrong, and to curtail
the possibility of her repeating this time and again. Working through affairs with spouses has the
potential for deepening intimacy in marriages. Although Larry feels her emotional angst is
heightened from the added stigma of being a military wife and a teacher to teens with special
needs, he suggests dropping this affair like an IED.
Dear Both Ends: My husband is a military officer and started his second tour of duty in
Iraq four months ago. This is the second time he has been away from me for a long
period of time. The first time he was away I couldn’t handle the loneliness, so I had an
affair. I ended it just before my husband came back. I promised myself that this time
would be different and I would be faithful. But, no sooner than a couple of weeks
after my husband left, the affair resumed. I want to add that I am not all that certain
that my husband was himself faithful. I cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t know
what to do. Please help me.
K., age 26, married five years, no children, teacher, high school special education
Dr Gomes: It’s clear from your writing that you are doing something against your thoughts and
values which is causing emotional turmoil. The key to inner peace is having thinking, feeling, and
doing all aligned. There is a reason (perhaps mostly emotional) for your engaging in an affair
despite knowing it is wrong. Unless you figure out this reason you are likely to repeat this
pattern. First, decide what you want in the long run and base your decisions with goal in mind.
Your litmus test must be “are you living up to the person” you desire to become?” Discussing with
a therapist the unmet need (loneliness) you have will help you deal with military life more
effectively. Military life uniquely impacts families because of eight characteristics which are 1) risk
of injury/death, 2) frequent household moves, 3) frequent and long Separations, 4) long work
hours, 5) living in foreign countries, 6) cultural protocols and constraints, 7) masculine culture
and structure, 8) potential for earlier retirement. These characteristics combine to create difficult
temptations for unmet needs.
Suggestion: Read “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity” by Shirley Glass. Discuss the state of your marriage with your husband when he returns.
Larry Star: You have a nice little arrangement there. Your husband goes off to bomb and you
stay home to bang. Kudos to you, though, for seeing the error of your ways the first time, but
what the hell happened the second time? Stop playing with that weapon of mass destruction
and commit yourself to your marriage. As for your husband’s so-called infidelity, you have no
evidence to support this. I believe this is just projection on your part over the guilt you are
feeling. Since you are the wife of a military officer you know all about honor, commitment, and
integrity. You said, “I don’t know what to do.” That’s bull. You know exactly what to do. You’
re a teacher for Chrissakes. It’s time you started flying right instead of dropping to your knees and
giving twenty.
Suggestion: Listen to Edwin Starr’s “War”.
Both Ends: We both agree that K. is clearly reaching out for help. Dr. Gomes feels K. should see
a therapist to get to the cause of her resuming an affair she knows is morally wrong, and to curtail
the possibility of her repeating this time and again. Working through affairs with spouses has the
potential for deepening intimacy in marriages. Although Larry feels her emotional angst is
heightened from the added stigma of being a military wife and a teacher to teens with special
needs, he suggests dropping this affair like an IED.
