Masturbation
Dear Both Ends: I like to think that I have a healthy marriage. We argue very rarely,
we have common interests and common friends, and we have a healthy sex life. Or so I
thought. One weekend I was going to my mother’s house without my husband, which
is about 100 miles away. I left on a Saturday morning, kissed my husband good-bye,
and started out. About 40 minutes into my trip, I remembered I left my mother’s
prescription medication on the kitchen counter. I turned around and went back home.
I grabbed the bottle of pills and heard some moaning or music coming from our
bedroom. I opened the door and found my husband masturbating to internet porn. I
was devastated. I mean, I thought we had such a great marriage. It’s like he’s having
an affair. He told me he inadvertently clicked on a pop-up ad and then got drawn in.
He says it’s never happened before. I told him I wanted a divorce. I cried all the way
to my mother’s house. Why did he betray me?
Becca, age 36, married 7 years, no children, works as a receptionist
Dr. Gomes: Your sense of betrayal has some deep roots within you regarding lessons you learn
about sexuality as well as about fidelity. The reality is that many individuals in relationships
masturbate. This is both normal and healthy. What would not be healthy for the relationship is to
keep something like masturbation a secret versus private. There is a difference between privacy
and secrecy. Secrecy includes shame and guilt. You seem to be strongly reacting emotionally by
wanting to leave your “healthy marriage”. This gap needs to be addressed with both emotion and
logic to be repaired. See a couple’s therapist to find out why this has hit you so hard. You didn’t
mention any specific cultural or religious prohibitions against masturbation so I’m curious about your
earlier sexual experiences. I invite you to learn from this and improve your marriage.
Suggestion: Read “For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy” by Lonnie Barbach for more
information.
Larry Star: You poor, little, misguided creature. Just because he is pleasuring himself doesn’t
mean he is having an affair, and it certainly doesn’t mean he wants a divorce. By the way, he is
lying to you. Men do this ALL THE FREAKING TIME. A lot of women do, too. By your reaction to
this, you are telling me you think this is abnormal. It isn’t. A man’s masturbation is not directed
negatively toward you in any way. It’s a physiological need. If you opened up a little bit and
stopped, what I deem as, your snobbish views on sex, maybe you will find that doing this
together would be a lot more fun than starting divorce proceedings. And it’s a hell of a lot
cheaper.
Suggestion: Listen to Monty Python’s “Penis Song”.
Both Ends: We seem to agree that Becca over-reacted by telling her husband she wanted a
divorce. We both also believe that masturbating, even in marriage, is normal and healthy. This
should fit into any description of having a healthy marriage and healthy sex life. Turn this negative
into a positive by masturbating in front of the other. This has an additional benefit of educating
both partners about each other’s turn-ons.
Dear Both Ends: I like to think that I have a healthy marriage. We argue very rarely,
we have common interests and common friends, and we have a healthy sex life. Or so I
thought. One weekend I was going to my mother’s house without my husband, which
is about 100 miles away. I left on a Saturday morning, kissed my husband good-bye,
and started out. About 40 minutes into my trip, I remembered I left my mother’s
prescription medication on the kitchen counter. I turned around and went back home.
I grabbed the bottle of pills and heard some moaning or music coming from our
bedroom. I opened the door and found my husband masturbating to internet porn. I
was devastated. I mean, I thought we had such a great marriage. It’s like he’s having
an affair. He told me he inadvertently clicked on a pop-up ad and then got drawn in.
He says it’s never happened before. I told him I wanted a divorce. I cried all the way
to my mother’s house. Why did he betray me?
Becca, age 36, married 7 years, no children, works as a receptionist
Dr. Gomes: Your sense of betrayal has some deep roots within you regarding lessons you learn
about sexuality as well as about fidelity. The reality is that many individuals in relationships
masturbate. This is both normal and healthy. What would not be healthy for the relationship is to
keep something like masturbation a secret versus private. There is a difference between privacy
and secrecy. Secrecy includes shame and guilt. You seem to be strongly reacting emotionally by
wanting to leave your “healthy marriage”. This gap needs to be addressed with both emotion and
logic to be repaired. See a couple’s therapist to find out why this has hit you so hard. You didn’t
mention any specific cultural or religious prohibitions against masturbation so I’m curious about your
earlier sexual experiences. I invite you to learn from this and improve your marriage.
Suggestion: Read “For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy” by Lonnie Barbach for more
information.
Larry Star: You poor, little, misguided creature. Just because he is pleasuring himself doesn’t
mean he is having an affair, and it certainly doesn’t mean he wants a divorce. By the way, he is
lying to you. Men do this ALL THE FREAKING TIME. A lot of women do, too. By your reaction to
this, you are telling me you think this is abnormal. It isn’t. A man’s masturbation is not directed
negatively toward you in any way. It’s a physiological need. If you opened up a little bit and
stopped, what I deem as, your snobbish views on sex, maybe you will find that doing this
together would be a lot more fun than starting divorce proceedings. And it’s a hell of a lot
cheaper.
Suggestion: Listen to Monty Python’s “Penis Song”.
Both Ends: We seem to agree that Becca over-reacted by telling her husband she wanted a
divorce. We both also believe that masturbating, even in marriage, is normal and healthy. This
should fit into any description of having a healthy marriage and healthy sex life. Turn this negative
into a positive by masturbating in front of the other. This has an additional benefit of educating
both partners about each other’s turn-ons.
