Flirt
Dear Both Ends: Whenever my boyfriend and I go anywhere he can’t stop flirting with
whatever woman is around. It could be a waitress, the coffee girl, a saleswoman—
pretty much any female. It is so disrespectful and makes me feel like I want to shrivel
up. I feel like I don’t even exist. I’ve told him time and time again how I feel but he still
keeps doing it. How do I get him to stop?
Tanya, age 29, single, no children, receptionist.
Dr. Gomes: Two surface issues come up immediately as I read your question: insecurity and
insensitivity. His flirting with “whatever woman is around” results in your feeling as if you “don’t
even exist” hints at a core issue of your own sense of worth. It is as if his behavior reflects upon
you instead of it just being about his insensitive behavior. All behavior communicates. What is he
communicating to you when you have asked him to stop flirting but he continues to flirt in front of
you? What are you communicating to him by still being with him as he continues to flirt? While
your partner’s behavior does impact you, it should not reflect where you get your self-worth.
Since you can not control his behavior, you can control how you will respond to his behavior. That
is the difference between your condition of being in a relationship and an ultimatum (which is
based on another’s behaviors). What is it you will do as a result of being with your boyfriend and
his behavior? Draw a boundary and stick with it.
Suggestion: I recommend you read either Affair-Proof Your Marriage : Understanding, Preventing
and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli or His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by
Willard F. Harley Jr. And think about how you assess your own self-worth.
Larry Star: While I think that this behavior is very disrespectful to you and your relationship, I
suppose the silver lining would be he isn’t doing it behind your back. That said, you could always
try the what’s-good-for-the-goose-is-good-for-the-gander tactic. You obviously have a job that
requires you to be professional and dress well, and being a receptionist allows you access to a lot
of different people. Try it out yourself, you may like it. You also have to ask yourself why you
would want to stay with a guy who obviously needs the affirmation of other women to make him
feel like a man. You deserve better than that. I bet you’re pretty cute yourself. You wouldn’t
have a problem meeting another guy who would be ten times the man he his. So, uh, what are
you doing tonight?
Suggestion: Listen to Elvis Costello’s, “The Flirting Kind.”
From Both Ends: Dr. Gomes thinks that Tanya’s use of behavioral communication is the key to
rectifying this issue while Larry feels Tanya has voiced her opinion enough to her beau and now it is
time to give him a taste of his own medicine. The bottom line is that it is entirely Tanya’s decision
whether or not to stand for it.
Do you have questions about relationships, sex, or mental health? Send your questions to:
questions@FromBothEnds.com
Dear Both Ends: Whenever my boyfriend and I go anywhere he can’t stop flirting with
whatever woman is around. It could be a waitress, the coffee girl, a saleswoman—
pretty much any female. It is so disrespectful and makes me feel like I want to shrivel
up. I feel like I don’t even exist. I’ve told him time and time again how I feel but he still
keeps doing it. How do I get him to stop?
Tanya, age 29, single, no children, receptionist.
Dr. Gomes: Two surface issues come up immediately as I read your question: insecurity and
insensitivity. His flirting with “whatever woman is around” results in your feeling as if you “don’t
even exist” hints at a core issue of your own sense of worth. It is as if his behavior reflects upon
you instead of it just being about his insensitive behavior. All behavior communicates. What is he
communicating to you when you have asked him to stop flirting but he continues to flirt in front of
you? What are you communicating to him by still being with him as he continues to flirt? While
your partner’s behavior does impact you, it should not reflect where you get your self-worth.
Since you can not control his behavior, you can control how you will respond to his behavior. That
is the difference between your condition of being in a relationship and an ultimatum (which is
based on another’s behaviors). What is it you will do as a result of being with your boyfriend and
his behavior? Draw a boundary and stick with it.
Suggestion: I recommend you read either Affair-Proof Your Marriage : Understanding, Preventing
and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli or His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by
Willard F. Harley Jr. And think about how you assess your own self-worth.
Larry Star: While I think that this behavior is very disrespectful to you and your relationship, I
suppose the silver lining would be he isn’t doing it behind your back. That said, you could always
try the what’s-good-for-the-goose-is-good-for-the-gander tactic. You obviously have a job that
requires you to be professional and dress well, and being a receptionist allows you access to a lot
of different people. Try it out yourself, you may like it. You also have to ask yourself why you
would want to stay with a guy who obviously needs the affirmation of other women to make him
feel like a man. You deserve better than that. I bet you’re pretty cute yourself. You wouldn’t
have a problem meeting another guy who would be ten times the man he his. So, uh, what are
you doing tonight?
Suggestion: Listen to Elvis Costello’s, “The Flirting Kind.”
From Both Ends: Dr. Gomes thinks that Tanya’s use of behavioral communication is the key to
rectifying this issue while Larry feels Tanya has voiced her opinion enough to her beau and now it is
time to give him a taste of his own medicine. The bottom line is that it is entirely Tanya’s decision
whether or not to stand for it.
Do you have questions about relationships, sex, or mental health? Send your questions to:
questions@FromBothEnds.com