Dear Both Ends: My husband has a 12 year-old son from a previous marriage. He is
extremely involved in his son’s life and is, what I would say, the epitome of being a
“Daddy.” My problem lies, not with his relationship with his son, but with his
relationship with his ex-wife. Ever since we first started dating, he has been at her
beck and call. She will call him at least three times a week for favors. She will want him
to fix the electrical outlets, or re-do the window screens, or unclog the bathtub drain.
The latest thing she wants him to do is pick up her dry cleaning—and he does it. This is
actually driving me insane. How do I cope with this?
Susan, age 44, second marriage of three years, two adult children from a previous marriage,
secretary for accounting firm.
Dr. Gomes: Loyalty issues are a common struggle in marriage. Realize that you both have
different ideas about loyalty. Share your fears with him and inquire what is behind his service style
behavior to his ex-wife. Find out if he bothered by her need for attention and assistance. Don’t
let her become a wedge between you and your husband. Don’t let her become a source of relief
when there is tension between you and your husband. I’m wondering if you are worried about
how he prioritizes you or if you are worried about being able to count on him. On the positive
side, it is better for your stepson when his biological parents get along. I would not want you to
be perceived as the one who is keeping his parents apart or perceived as forcing anyone to
choose sides. Your stepson will learn about being a husband from watching his father. Teach him
how loving partners work difficulties constructively. You can best cope with this problem by trying
to learn from it.
Suggestion: Read “The Seven Basic Quarrels in Marriage” by Robie McCauley and “Difficult
Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most” by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen,
and Roger Fisher.
Larry Star: It sounds like he not only wants to be Superdad, but Super-ex, too. My guess is that
he is harboring some sort of guilt over their divorce and is bending over backwards to right the
wrong in his own mind. My issue is not only with him, but you as well. You ask, “How do I cope
with this?” That is such the wrong question. You don’t have to cope with anything. You should
ask, “How do I tell him to stop the insanity?” He is the schmuck who is kowtowing to his ex. My
question is why the hell is he with you? I think you should pack his bags and tell him move back
with her. Then you wouldn’t have to “cope” with anything, plus you could ask him to pick up
your cleaning. I’m shaking my head, here. Sheesh. His ex-wife is rubbing dirt in your face and
you are taking it. It is his place to be with you and do all these things for you, not her. I don’t
want to incite a riot, but godammit woman, get a backbone. (I love a good catfight.)
Suggestion: Listen to Twisted Sister’s, “We’re Not Gonna Take It”.
Both Ends: We both agree that Susan needs to bring this up to her husband. Larry is pushing
her to be more assertive. Dr. Gomes is suggesting Susan learn how to better communicate
together to avoid engaging in a battle over loyalties at the cost of family relationships.
