Cheating
Dear Both Ends: I think my husband is having an affair. He comes home late from work,
leaves very early in the morning and is very short with me on the phone when I speak
with him during the day. He just bought a new gym membership and new clothes.
When he is at home, he spends most of his time in the den on the computer. His cell
phone rings at all hours of the night (it never used to, and why can’t they call at
home?). He just locks himself in the den to take the calls telling me it’s business. His
behavior has all the earmarks of a mid-life crisis. Our 17 year-old noticed the change in
him. Our 19 year-old is away at school, so I’m at least thankful that she doesn’t have
to see this. I am at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do about this. He’s my
husband, I love him and I don’t want to lose him.
Dana, age 46, married 22 years, 19 year-old daughter, 17 year-old daughter, 12 year-old son,
office manager for coffee company.
Dr. Gomes: You certainly have evidence to support your fears. However, you will find what you
are looking for when you have a particular belief though. What is clear from your writing is that
your husband is distancing emotionally and physically. Even without the fear of him cheating, he is
withdrawing from you which is definitely not a good sign. There are three movements in a
relationship; towards, away and standing still. Right now, you are experiencing him as moving
away emotionally from you and the marriage. Obviously, you will need to discuss this with your
husband. Share with him your fear of losing him without accusing him of cheating. Accusing him
of having an affair will not make him draw closer to you. It will only serve to increase the
distance. You can decide what you want to do later if your suspicions about an affair are correct.
Find out what is going on with him and why he is distancing himself from the marriage and the
family. Try to clarify his emotional needs as well as communicating your own. Your need for more
intimacy is apparent. Find out if he sees a need to improve the marriage, but more importantly,
see if he wants to improve the marriage. Ask him to join you in seeing a couple’s therapist. My
advice is based on your last sentence which is your desire not to lose him. While you can’t make
him engage more in the marriage, you can act consistent with your desire to move towards him.
Suggestion: Read “Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking about Human
Interactions” by Roberta M. Gilbert. Good luck.
Larry Star: Too late. Get an attorney. He’s got blinders on and doesn’t see you as anything but
a threat to his happiness. To paraphrase a cliché: It’s not you, it’s him. And there is nothing you
can do about it until either the guilt overwhelms him or his girlfriend (or boyfriend, for that matter)
dumps his sorry ass.
Suggestion: Listening to Frank Sinatra’s “Where are you?”
Both Ends: While we both agree there seems to be a problem in communication in Dana’s
marriage, it is still only speculation that her husband is, in fact, having an affair. Dr. Gomes believes
the root cause of the problem is worth investigating if the marriage is to survive. Larry believes
that the marriage is unsalvageable only because Dana’s husband is having too much fun right now
and won’t give it up.
Dear Both Ends: I think my husband is having an affair. He comes home late from work,
leaves very early in the morning and is very short with me on the phone when I speak
with him during the day. He just bought a new gym membership and new clothes.
When he is at home, he spends most of his time in the den on the computer. His cell
phone rings at all hours of the night (it never used to, and why can’t they call at
home?). He just locks himself in the den to take the calls telling me it’s business. His
behavior has all the earmarks of a mid-life crisis. Our 17 year-old noticed the change in
him. Our 19 year-old is away at school, so I’m at least thankful that she doesn’t have
to see this. I am at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do about this. He’s my
husband, I love him and I don’t want to lose him.
Dana, age 46, married 22 years, 19 year-old daughter, 17 year-old daughter, 12 year-old son,
office manager for coffee company.
Dr. Gomes: You certainly have evidence to support your fears. However, you will find what you
are looking for when you have a particular belief though. What is clear from your writing is that
your husband is distancing emotionally and physically. Even without the fear of him cheating, he is
withdrawing from you which is definitely not a good sign. There are three movements in a
relationship; towards, away and standing still. Right now, you are experiencing him as moving
away emotionally from you and the marriage. Obviously, you will need to discuss this with your
husband. Share with him your fear of losing him without accusing him of cheating. Accusing him
of having an affair will not make him draw closer to you. It will only serve to increase the
distance. You can decide what you want to do later if your suspicions about an affair are correct.
Find out what is going on with him and why he is distancing himself from the marriage and the
family. Try to clarify his emotional needs as well as communicating your own. Your need for more
intimacy is apparent. Find out if he sees a need to improve the marriage, but more importantly,
see if he wants to improve the marriage. Ask him to join you in seeing a couple’s therapist. My
advice is based on your last sentence which is your desire not to lose him. While you can’t make
him engage more in the marriage, you can act consistent with your desire to move towards him.
Suggestion: Read “Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking about Human
Interactions” by Roberta M. Gilbert. Good luck.
Larry Star: Too late. Get an attorney. He’s got blinders on and doesn’t see you as anything but
a threat to his happiness. To paraphrase a cliché: It’s not you, it’s him. And there is nothing you
can do about it until either the guilt overwhelms him or his girlfriend (or boyfriend, for that matter)
dumps his sorry ass.
Suggestion: Listening to Frank Sinatra’s “Where are you?”
Both Ends: While we both agree there seems to be a problem in communication in Dana’s
marriage, it is still only speculation that her husband is, in fact, having an affair. Dr. Gomes believes
the root cause of the problem is worth investigating if the marriage is to survive. Larry believes
that the marriage is unsalvageable only because Dana’s husband is having too much fun right now
and won’t give it up.
