Angry Husband
Dear Both Ends: My wife and I aren’t doing that well. We argue a lot and never
seem to have any fun together like we used too. I didn’t expect that we would be
giddy all our marriage but I didn’t expect to be fighting all the time either. We
fight about the stupidest things. It has gotten to the point where I just don’t
want to even try to make up with her. There are many times where I know I
should apologize or even be nice to try to make up but can’t. How can I get myself
back to the point of even trying to make up with her like I know I should?
Geoff: age 34, married 5 years, 3 kids, Financial Planner.
Dr. Gomes: Your question was perfectly addressed. Ordinarily, I hear the question posed as
how to get my partner to do, be, or stop something. The question is perfect because you
are asking “What do I need to do to get yourself back to the point of trying to make up?” I
am suggesting that you continue to do the less ordinary thing, such as focusing on increasing
the times in which you two are having fun together as a couple. What makes a good
marriage isn’t just that you both are working on solving marital problems. The absence of
problems doesn’t make a marriage wonderful. If that were true, then the marriage is
problem-focused. What makes a marriage wonderful is when the positives far outweigh the
negatives. You can improve your ability to apologize and improve your ability to be nice to
your wife better when you know that the relationship is worth it. So make it worth it by
having fun together. What has worked in the past? Have fun together and you won’t have
to worry about forcing yourself to do the right thing. It will come naturally. You will serve to
protect a wonderful relationship automatically. Do something together apart from your
problems. Focus on improving your passion to be with her by doing fun things together.
Suggestion: Attend a Marriage Encounter workshop. You can find the nearest workshop
online. Many Encounter presenters are faith-based but the integration of religion and
spirituality varies. Make a vacation out of it. A vacation where you learn the skills needed to
be successful in marriage.
Larry Star: Well, Geoff, the most comforting thing I can tell you is that you are not alone.
I've found, for whatever reason, marriages seem to sour after a few years. Mine did. My ex
would fight with me over a freaking butter dish. If I had the brains back then to step away
from the situation and ask myself, “Is she really fighting with me over the stupid butter dish,
or is that butter dish the trigger for an entirely different problem?” I would probably have had
a few less nights in the doghouse. You need to find the root cause of all the fighting. Maybe
she is having a problem at work. Maybe the kids are sapping all of her energy. Maybe she
has a friend who is frustrating her. Maybe money problems are making her edgy. Maybe she
has taken a lover. Maybe she wants to become a man. Maybe she was routing for the
Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Hell, maybe it’s you. Just know that it is the lack of
communication, real communication—not just screaming at each other—that is fueling the
fights. You cannot change her or her actions, but you can change yours. Don’t worry about
making up, worry about helping her fix whatever is wrong. Be gentle, non-combative,
supportive and encouraging. I guarantee you’ll see results. If all else fails, buy a new butter
dish.
Suggestion: Listen to Zakk Wylde’s, “Dead As Yesterday.”
Both Ends: Larry feels that Dr. Gomes’ misguided advice of bypassing Geoff’s problem
completely will never work. Dr. Gomes feels that Larry is talking out of the wrong end. What
we both feel is real change occurs within yourself first instead of trying to get your partner to
change.
Do you have questions about relationships, sex, or mental health? Send your questions to:
FromBothEnds@yahoo.com
Dear Both Ends: My wife and I aren’t doing that well. We argue a lot and never
seem to have any fun together like we used too. I didn’t expect that we would be
giddy all our marriage but I didn’t expect to be fighting all the time either. We
fight about the stupidest things. It has gotten to the point where I just don’t
want to even try to make up with her. There are many times where I know I
should apologize or even be nice to try to make up but can’t. How can I get myself
back to the point of even trying to make up with her like I know I should?
Geoff: age 34, married 5 years, 3 kids, Financial Planner.
Dr. Gomes: Your question was perfectly addressed. Ordinarily, I hear the question posed as
how to get my partner to do, be, or stop something. The question is perfect because you
are asking “What do I need to do to get yourself back to the point of trying to make up?” I
am suggesting that you continue to do the less ordinary thing, such as focusing on increasing
the times in which you two are having fun together as a couple. What makes a good
marriage isn’t just that you both are working on solving marital problems. The absence of
problems doesn’t make a marriage wonderful. If that were true, then the marriage is
problem-focused. What makes a marriage wonderful is when the positives far outweigh the
negatives. You can improve your ability to apologize and improve your ability to be nice to
your wife better when you know that the relationship is worth it. So make it worth it by
having fun together. What has worked in the past? Have fun together and you won’t have
to worry about forcing yourself to do the right thing. It will come naturally. You will serve to
protect a wonderful relationship automatically. Do something together apart from your
problems. Focus on improving your passion to be with her by doing fun things together.
Suggestion: Attend a Marriage Encounter workshop. You can find the nearest workshop
online. Many Encounter presenters are faith-based but the integration of religion and
spirituality varies. Make a vacation out of it. A vacation where you learn the skills needed to
be successful in marriage.
Larry Star: Well, Geoff, the most comforting thing I can tell you is that you are not alone.
I've found, for whatever reason, marriages seem to sour after a few years. Mine did. My ex
would fight with me over a freaking butter dish. If I had the brains back then to step away
from the situation and ask myself, “Is she really fighting with me over the stupid butter dish,
or is that butter dish the trigger for an entirely different problem?” I would probably have had
a few less nights in the doghouse. You need to find the root cause of all the fighting. Maybe
she is having a problem at work. Maybe the kids are sapping all of her energy. Maybe she
has a friend who is frustrating her. Maybe money problems are making her edgy. Maybe she
has taken a lover. Maybe she wants to become a man. Maybe she was routing for the
Seahawks in the Super Bowl. Hell, maybe it’s you. Just know that it is the lack of
communication, real communication—not just screaming at each other—that is fueling the
fights. You cannot change her or her actions, but you can change yours. Don’t worry about
making up, worry about helping her fix whatever is wrong. Be gentle, non-combative,
supportive and encouraging. I guarantee you’ll see results. If all else fails, buy a new butter
dish.
Suggestion: Listen to Zakk Wylde’s, “Dead As Yesterday.”
Both Ends: Larry feels that Dr. Gomes’ misguided advice of bypassing Geoff’s problem
completely will never work. Dr. Gomes feels that Larry is talking out of the wrong end. What
we both feel is real change occurs within yourself first instead of trying to get your partner to
change.
Do you have questions about relationships, sex, or mental health? Send your questions to:
FromBothEnds@yahoo.com