Alternative Lifestyle
Dear Both Ends: My husband and I have been totally faithful to each other from the
start. I am an openly bi-sexual woman, but I have not had a lesbian relationship in
about nine years. My husband (completely heterosexual) knows all about my past and
he is ok with everything. Six months ago a woman came into the store where I work.
We struck up a conversation and really hit it off. We’ve become really good friends—
well, actually more than good friends, we’re practically soul mates. My husband met her
and sometimes we all go do things together on the weekend. She is openly bi-sexual
as well. I found that I am starting to have feelings for her and have become so totally
attracted to her. I am very honest with my husband and I told him my feelings. He
said he is ok with me exploring my feelings with her as long as I am honest with him
and with myself. I cannot see not having either one in my life. I don’t want to lose
either of them. Can this arrangement work?
Mary, age 35, married 5 years, no children, clothes-store clerk.
Dr. Gomes: Polyamorous relationships can and do work. But they require more attention and
work than monogamous relationships. You will have to discuss expectations, jealousy, and
abandonment among other needs. The strength of your relationship will either be tested or
improved. It seems like you have open, healthy communication with your husband and that he
does not feel threatened by your bi-sexuality. However, issues may come up once you are
actually involved with another person. I mentioned polyamory instead of “swinging” because of
how you asked your question. Polyamory and swinging are actually more common than most are
aware. Polyamory involves both emotional and sexual intimacy with multiple partners. Swinging is
mostly about non-monogamous sex and sexual intimacy. In either case, learn more about
polyamory and the swinging lifestyle and continue to openly discuss with your husband before you
do anything. My fundamental belief is that whatever either of you do, it should add to your
relationship rather than cause a gap.
Suggestion: Read "Polyamory: The New Love without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable
Relationships," by Deborah Anapol and visit http://www.lovemore.com for more information. Also
read “Swinging for Beginners: An Introduction to the Lifestyle” by Kaye Bellemeade for more
information on swinging
Larry Star: My initial answer is: Hell, yeah! That guy of yours is thinking he just won the freaking
lottery! (Stop palpitating, Larry. Whew. Ok, back to Earth.) You really didn’t mention, though,
what your girlfriend’s feelings are in all this. What happens when she finds a guy? Or another
girl? And what happens when your husband starts feeling left out? While all this seems really
exciting right now, studies have shown the average lifespan of a three-way relationship is roughly
18 months. But, this isn’t really a three-way relationship—it’s more like two separate relationships.
While your husband may be praying it becomes a three-way relationship, it will probably take its toll
on him. He will either ask you to stop or he will find a chick of his own to play with while you are
out with her. Neither scenario bodes well. If you are in your marriage for the long haul, keep the
truck locked and forget the side trips.
Suggestion: Listen to J-Lo’s “Should’ve Never”.
Both Ends: We both agree that certain emotional issues would likely arise once exploration into
an alternate lifestyle commences. We do, however, disagree that Mary’s love trapezoid has any
chance to work out between all parties.
Dear Both Ends: My husband and I have been totally faithful to each other from the
start. I am an openly bi-sexual woman, but I have not had a lesbian relationship in
about nine years. My husband (completely heterosexual) knows all about my past and
he is ok with everything. Six months ago a woman came into the store where I work.
We struck up a conversation and really hit it off. We’ve become really good friends—
well, actually more than good friends, we’re practically soul mates. My husband met her
and sometimes we all go do things together on the weekend. She is openly bi-sexual
as well. I found that I am starting to have feelings for her and have become so totally
attracted to her. I am very honest with my husband and I told him my feelings. He
said he is ok with me exploring my feelings with her as long as I am honest with him
and with myself. I cannot see not having either one in my life. I don’t want to lose
either of them. Can this arrangement work?
Mary, age 35, married 5 years, no children, clothes-store clerk.
Dr. Gomes: Polyamorous relationships can and do work. But they require more attention and
work than monogamous relationships. You will have to discuss expectations, jealousy, and
abandonment among other needs. The strength of your relationship will either be tested or
improved. It seems like you have open, healthy communication with your husband and that he
does not feel threatened by your bi-sexuality. However, issues may come up once you are
actually involved with another person. I mentioned polyamory instead of “swinging” because of
how you asked your question. Polyamory and swinging are actually more common than most are
aware. Polyamory involves both emotional and sexual intimacy with multiple partners. Swinging is
mostly about non-monogamous sex and sexual intimacy. In either case, learn more about
polyamory and the swinging lifestyle and continue to openly discuss with your husband before you
do anything. My fundamental belief is that whatever either of you do, it should add to your
relationship rather than cause a gap.
Suggestion: Read "Polyamory: The New Love without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable
Relationships," by Deborah Anapol and visit http://www.lovemore.com for more information. Also
read “Swinging for Beginners: An Introduction to the Lifestyle” by Kaye Bellemeade for more
information on swinging
Larry Star: My initial answer is: Hell, yeah! That guy of yours is thinking he just won the freaking
lottery! (Stop palpitating, Larry. Whew. Ok, back to Earth.) You really didn’t mention, though,
what your girlfriend’s feelings are in all this. What happens when she finds a guy? Or another
girl? And what happens when your husband starts feeling left out? While all this seems really
exciting right now, studies have shown the average lifespan of a three-way relationship is roughly
18 months. But, this isn’t really a three-way relationship—it’s more like two separate relationships.
While your husband may be praying it becomes a three-way relationship, it will probably take its toll
on him. He will either ask you to stop or he will find a chick of his own to play with while you are
out with her. Neither scenario bodes well. If you are in your marriage for the long haul, keep the
truck locked and forget the side trips.
Suggestion: Listen to J-Lo’s “Should’ve Never”.
Both Ends: We both agree that certain emotional issues would likely arise once exploration into
an alternate lifestyle commences. We do, however, disagree that Mary’s love trapezoid has any
chance to work out between all parties.
